A Letter from the Desk of Someone Who Accidentally Became Famous for Microwave Popcorn Reviews

When I started reviewing microwave popcorn online, I thought I’d maybe help one or two snack enthusiasts find their butter-to-salt ratio. I didn’t expect to have “Corn Correspondent” engraved on my tombstone.

Now brands send me boxes weekly, asking for “honest but upbeat” takes, as if there’s an upbeat way to describe the smell of overcooked nostalgia. I get recognized in grocery stores. People whisper: “That’s him—the Orville Oracle.”

The truth is, I can’t even eat popcorn anymore. I smell it and think, content. I hear kernels pop and think, engagement rate.

So if you see me out in public, please don’t ask about the new cheddar drizzle edition. Just hand me a quiet fruit cup and let me heal.